Dating Advice: Why do people say monogamy is unrealistic when it clearly works for so many people? Are they just cowards?
There is a lot of research out there that suggests that monogamy is not necessarily what comes naturally to us, although I wouldn’t describe it as “unrealistic.” However, I would say that it’s incredibly challenging, as those involved are likely going to have to overcome challenges such as different sex-drives, denying attraction to other people, boredom, etc.
Supporting the research that monogamy isn’t in our nature is the rate in which people in monogamous relationships have affairs. It’s been recorded that, while most people agree that infidelity is wrong, there’s a large percentage of men and women who are not faithful to their partners. Even couples who decide to remain together after the fact might still have experienced infidelity in their partnership, unbeknownst to you. In other words, the (high) divorce rate due to infidelity is just scratching the surface of people who experience infidelity.
Some choose to try and figure out a different type of relationship that is more realistic for them.
When you use the term “clearly works for so many people,” it gives me pause for two reasons; one is that you never really know what’s going on in somebody else’s relationship. For instance, I’ve idolized certain couples who have been happily in a loving marriage for 40+ years only to later find out that the husband has had multiple affairs.
I’m not saying that there is no such thing as a happy monogamous relationship, only that it’s very hard from an outside perspective to really know what’s really going on in somebody else’s relationship. So “clearly” doesn’t exist here.
Two, the only people who can decide what works in a relationship or doesn’t are the people in the relationship. No one from the outside gets to decide that.
To answer your question about whether those who don’t want monogamous relationships are cowardice. I personally think this is shortsighted. After all, people who seek open and poly relationship often have to pave their own path, as there are few examples in modern society for than to follow.
Additionally, they are choosing a relationship that challenges them to tackle jealousy in a different way, and requires a massive amount of trust and taking different kinds of risks.
One of the principles behind (what I call) “alternative” relationships is that, if you love someone, you don’t want them to take “ownership” of them, but rather, you want them to have whatever they want and need to be happy. Sometimes that involves engaging in intimate relationships with other people.
People in “alternative” relationships are taking a risk, just as people in monogamous relationships are. Still, the intentions are similar, which is to live a life filled with love in a mutually respectful and prosperous relationship.
It’s understandable why someone might see monogamous as “unrealistic,” just as it’s understandable why someone might see “alternative” relationships as “unrealistic.” It’s a matter of opinion, and each person can make a strong case supporting either opinion. The key is to show respect and try and understand- and even learn from- other’s perspectives, instead of pass judgement, such as calling something cowardice because you don’t understand it.
