Dating Advice: Would asking to see what’s on your partner’s phone show more distrust in the relationship than if you refused to allow your partner access to your phone?
I wouldn’t say it shows more distrust, but I think both the request to see the phone and the denial of that request indicates that there are some underlying issues of distrust.
Unfortunately, we live in a time where this issue is pretty much bound to surface at one point or another, especially in traditional monogamous relationships. With Instagram, snapchats, email, and even words with friends, it could feel impossible to trust that your partner isn’t getting involved in some fantastical tryst.
I think, before having the phone conversation, it would be more productive to discuss boundaries and expectations regarding acceptable behaviors to each individual involved in the relationship.
For instance, some people might not mind as much if there’s some flirtations going on with a person who you and your partner will never meet. That might feel different than, say, sexting with an ex.
Of course, as I mentioned, there are plenty of people out there who don’t feel like their partner’s involvement with another person sexually is a threat to them or their relationship.
Or, there are people who would not want any dialogue, or flirtatious contact whatsoever with another person.
So, boundaries are going to be different from everybody, and maybe- most definitely- there will have to be compromises made on both ends to accommodate their partner’s wishes.
This means that each person will have to get really honest with themselves and their partner about what their sexual needs and desires are. That can be really hard to do because you risk hurting the other person. Still, a necessary step toward establishing boundaries as a team, and setting some ground rules before phones are even discussed.
Then I think it is safe to discuss, in a neutral way, what your expectations are for sharing your phone with your partner.
Personally, I’d rather live in a world where phones don’t feel like their weapons, waiting to explode… where every time your partner grabs their phone you don’t get a pit in your stomach… where you can easily snag your partners phone to pick the next song or find your old photo.
But our phones hold so much that there is a necessity to keep private at times. Heaven forbid you vent to a coworker about your partner getting on your nerves. A private chat that, if it had happened in person, would have zero effect on a relationship. Yet, in the hands of a suspicious partner could cause mayhem.
Good luck!
